27
Dec
08

A Frank Mission

The last few months of this year have inundated me, and fellow gamers with a flood of good games all at once, I’m still trying to catch up with all of them but I shouldn’t keep neglecting this site. So I have decided to post a diary of a mission I did in Far Cry 2, this way I can game and blog, that’s multitasking people. Don’t look at me like that it’ll be fun, I promise. Yes I know it’s really long, but hey that means more funny to read.

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Hi folks the names Frank Bilders, I’m an Irish lad born and bred. You may be wondering why I’m in the middle of nowhere in Africa, well the short answer is that I’m a mercenary. The long answer is I’m hunting down a notorious weapons dealer called Jackel, and I almost had him too. Until, have you heard of malaria? I hadn’t until I collapsed in the back of a taxi and awoke to find the Jackel mocking me. Don’t laugh it ain’t funny, now I gotta work twice as hard for people I don’t really like just in the hopes of finding some clue to finding the Jackel the jackass. This is one of those boring missions.

I start my mission at the bus stop in the cease-fire town of Pala. I like cease-fire towns, it’s the only place where I encounter people that don’t immediately try to shoot my face off, explode my face, or run over my face. I like public transport for the same reason, apparently terrorists don’t buy travel cards. Everyone here eyes me with contempt, mutters insults and carries sub-machine guns, it’s the friendliest place in all of Far Cry 2! I head to UFLL (I forget what that stands for, United Furniture Lifting League?) headquarters to receive my mission briefing, I’m hoping it involves killing people or blowing something up, I’m good at that. I go in listen to them drone on barely listening, I hear the most important part though; they want a greenhouse destroyed. Great that means explosions, they’re always fun. No idea what the lifting league has against a greenhouse, maybe the greenhouse has been growing inferior wood for their furniture, those bastards. Time to sort these greenthumbs out . . with a shovel . . or trowel? Damn, best think of some better action movie lines to say before I get there.

That’s when Michele phones me. Michele is supposedly my ‘buddy’, which seems to solely consist of giving me more things to do for little pay off and constantly needing rescuing. In short trouble. I’m barely out the front door when she rings, I could ignore her but that would be rude. Sure I travel back and forth across the continent killing everyone I encounter, steal their cars and blow up anything combustible, but that doesn’t mean I should forget that I am a gentleman. I answer and sure enough she has some more work to add onto the mission that she can’t tell me over the phone, I’ve got to go meet her, fine I’ll go hear her out. Now that means I’ve got to find some wheels.

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I am commandeering you for the United Furniture Lifters League! You shall transport me from point A to B! Then to point C! And possibly D! And any other letter of the alphabet I need to get to during this crusade against the evil greenhouse people! No public transport for me today, for I am on a mission. Oh I can tell it’s a nice model, the tell tale sign is that it’s not a four-by-four like everything else. This is a sporty number, the red makes it go faster. I shall dub thee Jeff the red. Come Jeff let us ride off towards our destination, I’ll just check my map . . .

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Godammit. Michele is already proving how troublesome she is. I could go straight to the red marker and get the mission over and done with but no I agreed to meet Michele which is the blue marker, the one miles away from where I need to go. Well I made a promise and it’s no fun to rush through these sort of things, so come Jeff let’s ride towards Michele the troublesome!

Along the way I come across my first checkpoint. Now usually I try and avoid them, as they take a bit of time, ammo and health, but this one sat at the end of a bridge I needed to cross. I sat on the hill contemplating my choices until I finally stood up, got into Jeff the red and sped towards the checkpoint. And right past it. Ha ha! You can’t catch my sporty little Jeff, he’s unbeatable! I laugh manically as Jeff takes a few bullets and starts to smoke, but he speeds through the checkpoint, they can’t stop Jeff with mere bullets. As I’m driving away a car roars past me.

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Oh hell no! I did not just get out run by that guy. He’s totally trying to ruin my victory over the checkpoint. Wait a minute, is that car green? It’s one of the greenhouse people. They must be trying to settle our differences through a drag race, well no dice my green thumbed friend. I’ll show you how real men sort out their differences.

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Though unreasonable violence! Now take that you silly hippy. And take some of this. And a dash of these. You like them apples? And by apples I mean grenades! Not so fast now are you? Oh you got some friends have you, well I’ve got enough for all your hippy friends. Ha ha ha HA HA HA! Run you little cowards, quake in fear of me and . . . Jeff?

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JEFF! Oh no boy what happened to you? Oh right my grenades . . . damn. Why do we always hurt the ones we love? I will always remember you Jeff as my first car, of this mission, and how you totally sped through that one checkpoint. Sniff, goodbye soldier. I shall honour you by driving your brother here Jed the also red, who I liberated from the enemy. I am commandeering you as my previous ride, your brother, combusted for reasons completely unknown to me, honest. Hm Michele is only across the river, I could avoid a load of checkpoints if I just did a bit of off roading over there. I bet the river can’t be that deep if I try and cross at a thin part.

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Well I lose that bet. At least I laminated my map, but man that GPS unit must be state of the art, it can work underwater. Someone seriously needs to apply that technology to cars. Man I haven’t even got to Michele and I’ve already wrecked Jeff and his brother Jed, I need to start taking a bit more care of my cars. I climb out, well float out, of Jed and swim to shore. I make my trek towards Michele, soaking wet and miserable. When I get to the shack I get a strong sense of Déjà vu that I can’t shake, I know these shacks all look the same but still there’s something that’s bugging me. As I walk in it hits me, this is my safe house. I don’t remember telling Michele about any of my safe houses, so that she wouldn’t visit me, but lo and behold there she is standing smack dab in the middle of my safe house. This isn’t very safe. Who else knows about my safe houses? Man I really need to invest in some padlocks. Right Michele what is it that you want me to do for you now you’ve clearly made yourself at home?

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Fantastic. I’d love nothing better, Michele, than to infiltrate a well guarded warehouse and steal a very toxic item for you. I’ve already got malaria, so why not just subject myself to some unknown toxic agent. By the end of this I’ll of probably grown a third appendage which would actually be kinda cool, but knowing my luck I’d get leukemia instead. Apparently she’ll spray this all over the greenhouse so the plants will die, why does everyone hate this greenhouse so much? Is their produce that inferior that not only must they all die but so must their crops and greenhouses? Fine I’ll do it, I’ll go get shot and lug back a tank of poison so you can kill the wildlife, but first I need to sleep it’s been a hell of a day.

Actually I decided to sleep because I spent nearly all my ammo on my earlier rampage, so I’m going to use the cover of darkness to my advantage. See I’m a tactician, always thinking that one step ahead, well apart from that time when I blew up Jeff and the time I drove Jed into the river, but now I’m using my head. I get up to find Michele still in my house doing push ups, I need to find a new ‘buddy’ Michele is kind of creeping me out, I mean did she watch me sleep? I head outside and into my new vehicle I presume must be Michele’s, a beige four wheel drive jeep. Hello I am commandeering you in the name of my apathy towards walking, to help me acquire a highly toxic agent to kill a plantation, my quest is noble, I think, well Michele is totally cool with it I’m sure so onwards. I name thee Bill the boring. Luckily the warehouse is just a stones throw away, I decide to be sneaky and take the unguarded railroad route in.

I park Bill in some shrubs and scout the area. About four men at the front and two at the rear, all carrying sub-machine guns. This will take all of my tact to get through unharmed. A sneak attack would be best but I’m carrying; 4 remote mines, a sub-machine gun with 11 bullets, and a fully automatic assault rifle. Not exactly the kit for a stealthy attack. So I do what I always do, I blow shit up.

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With that the two rear guards are dead. The front guards rush round the corner straight into my gunfire. I take care of them reasonably easily but two men from inside jump out and surprise me, blowing up the nearby car. I soon take care of them after I take a part of the car door out of my leg. Ha ha! Who’s hot stuff now? Oh crap it’s me, I’m on fire! Stop drop and roll! Aha I’m OK. I escape the ensuing fire inside the warehouse and find something that resembles a small atomic bomb with a toxic sign on the side. Goody, time to get cancer. As I lug it to the car my malaria acts up just as Michele phones, I’m not saying she’s got anything to do with my illness but I’m just saying it is highly suspicious. I take my pills and the call, have I got the thing? You know I do. Good then bring it to the airfield <click>. Oh I’m fine by the way, just got shot a few times, had to pull some car shrapnel out of my leg, got set on fire, I’m carrying some sort of biological bomb, and I nearly collapsed from malaria, thanks for asking! Bitch.

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Huh. I guess I really should get going. You know this seems to be a trend of mine lately, everywhere I go I usually start some form of fire. I best leave before the fire engines arrive and start asking awkward questions like, why is everything on fire? Why is everyone dead? Is that a toxic biological weapon your carrying? Do you know you’ve got a rear view mirror sticking out of your back? I prefer questions like, would you like cake or pie? Either way I win. Anyway enough dilly-dallying it’s time to commandeer another vehicle, because I forgot where I parked Bill. You there, I commandeer you in the name of sheer forgetfulness, you shall be dubbed Bob the forgettable.

To get to Michele I have to do quite a bit of off roading, which is unfortunate for poor Bob as I’m not the worlds greatest driver. On the short trip there I hit a few trees, fell into a ditch and overturned Bob. Look I can’t concentrate on a map and driving at the same time, I need to find a ‘buddy’ that can map read for me. I finally roll Bob into the airfield smoking and wheezing, on it’s last gasp. I meet Michele and hand over the dangerous chemicals, she’ll finish up the repairs and then rain down toxic death upon Africa’s crops, while I kill farmers. You know it’s getting harder and harder to justify this mission, I expect my next mission will be to burn a village down.

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I guess I should leave Bob here, since you know he’s just about had it. I mean I’ve broken his suspension, his engine is shot, the dangly fuzzy dice are AWOL, and his brakes are non-existent (thus the tree). It’d take all night to fix him up again, no I think Bob the forgettable shall retire in peace here and I’ll take this other one which I presume is Michele’s. Wait a minute I stole her ride, Bill, how did she even get here? I commandeer you in the hatred I have for Michele, I shall name you Dave the mysterious. I climb into Dave- OK that sounds a little kinky, I climbed onto Dave- that’s no better, I rode Dave- ah screw it you know what I mean. I decided to take the road, seeing as my skills off road are not existent in this dimension, this way at least I can’t hit anything. Not far down the road I hit something.

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Oh come on! This is hardly fair, they drove right into me. I get out of Dave fuming that he’s already smoking and ready to rant in the other drivers face about his lack of driving skill. I soon learn that they too are pissed about the incident only instead of shouting they are shooting me and poor ole’ Dave. I dispatch of these obvious victims of road rage in the time old tradition of a machete to the face. I guess I should take their healthy car then. I am commandeering you in th- you know what, no. Just no. This country is in martial law and it’s economy is down in the dumps, and what have I been doing? Commandeering cars from people and leaving their burned out husks all over the African countryside. Well no more. I am going to make Dave survive the rest of this mission, I’m determined to do this. To prove this I even move the other car away just so I can get to Dave’s engine to fix him up. A couple of cranks and Dave’s good as new, onwards. Oh hey what’s that by the river?

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That. Is. Awesome! I’ve never been in a boat before. No wait I’m on a mission it would be completely unprofessional to go swanning off for a boat trip part way through. Then again there’s been no mention of time limit, I could wait a week and no one would bat an eyelid. No, no this belongs to someone and I’m done stealing commandeering vehicles. There’s only an abandoned shelter here, and if I returned it who’s to know? No I’d be using up some poor farmers fuel, it’s expensive now. I am about to murder a whole bunch of farmers, but they’re evil, I think. I always wanted to be a pirate though. . .

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Yaargh! I name ye Roger the Jolly. Yo ho ho! It be a pirates life for me, out on the vast sea on me ole boat makin’ scurvy dogs walk the plank into Davy Jone’s locker room. Ah me hearty this be better than those landlubbers tryin’ ta riddle me body with holes. Aye I got me open waters, me boat, me gun, and . . my GPS. That sort of ruins the illusion a bit, well I’m a modern day pirate. OK I’ll just have a quick spin around that island in the middle and then I’ll definitely be serious about my mission. Yo ho ho! Prepare to be boarded lil’ uninhabited island! Avast, me GPS be blinkin’, that can only mean one thing; Booty! It be coming from that shack on the land there, prepare to dock! Careful now I don’t want to scratch the thing. Now let’s be gettin’ us some booty.

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Ah a fine haul from this chest. I”m a dab hand at this pirate malarkey, first day on the job and I already find treasure, a whole diamond in an unattended briefcase, just like the pirates did in the old days. Yaargh. I should of been a pirate not a mercenary it’s much more fun, but no I went to where the money is and where have I ended up because of it? Trekking around Africa with malaria getting shot at by everyone I meet. OK I’ve had my fun I should really go back to murdering innocent farmers for reasons I can’t completely comprehend. I dock the boat safely and return to my journey with Dave. I manage to avoid two checkpoints by going off road, and barely hit anything this time. Though Dave still needed a tune up here and there. I pull up to a gun shop, I’m not going to be caught with my pants down like last time, this time I’m going to prepare and have the right tools for the job. Now let’s see what I can spend my booty on.

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Definitely going to need an RPG if I’m going to destroy those diabolical greenhouses, and a silenced pistol would really help with my stealthy approach- wait flare gun? Why on earth would I need a flare gun for a mission? That’s so silly, so retarded that I must have it.

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And it is mine. Now let’s buy this puppy and try it out. I go next door to collect my goods, which strangely is never locked. I stock up on ammo, grenades, health, and my beautiful new flare gun. I can’t wait to try it out, so I don’t. I immediately start firing from the gun shop car park into the sky.

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Ohhh. Ahhh. It’s so pretty. It’s like the fireworks display my dad used to take me to, they turned out to be bombings of the English actually but they were still pretty as hell. He he, this is fun. I feel like a child again, carefree and happy. I’ll fire off a few more. Ohhh. Ahh- crap!

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No, no!  That flare hit a tree branch and plummeted behind that truck. Maybe it’s not that bad- ah crap. It’s bad. Very, very bad. The place is going up in flames, what do I do? What do I always do in situations like this? I jump into Dave the co-partner in crime and high tail it out of there. Well I think I can kiss my discount goodbye from that shop. How come everything I do ends up in flames, I once tried to organise a party for my niece and that poor clown ended up with third degree burns. Damn this forest is over grown I can barely see where I’m go-

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GOOAT! And chickens to a lesser degree. Emergency brake! Did I hit it?

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Oh yeah, yep that’s dead alright. Stupid animal why couldn’t you run faster, or better yet stay out of the road. Crappy little shack in the middle of nowhere with it’s crappy animals. Oh man now I’ve killed some poor sods goat, that’s probably his livelihood laying under my front wheel. His little kid will wake up in that crappy shack tomorrow morning and go “Daddy, where’s little Billy?” and open their crappy shack door to find Billy dead with a tire tread mark across it’s back. And the little kid will cry his eyes out asking why and his dad won’t know what to say, won’t know what kind of person runs over a goat in the middle of the night. Should I leave an apology note, or would that rub salt into the wounds and seem crass? But driving away without a word seems sli- wait a minute this is my crappy shack! Wha- Whe- Ho- When the hell did I get goats and chickens for my safehouse? Did I get drunk and think a side business in livestock would be a good addition to my portfolio? Actually that sounds about right. I just killed my own goat, oh today is just trying to be the worst ever isn’t it. Right I’m getting back into Dave the goat killer and getting this over with.

I drive up to the checkpoint guarding the entrance to the greenhouses, parking Dave just out of sight. There’s no way around and I’d have to fight, that is I’d have to if I wasn’t totally the master of stealth, I’m like a drunken Irish ninja. I make it all the way beside the checkpoint before a hail of bullets hit me, you know what? Stealth is overrated it’s time to kick some ass. I actually took care of them quite easily, with some help from my explosive friends. Why hello there is that a sniper rifle I do spot? Why yes, yes it is. With this I can find a high spot and pick off the men without getting into a firefight, oh Frank you crafty man. The gun shop man always said not to use weapons you find, that they are too unreliable unlike his, and to get the hell out until I find my trousers. But it can’t be that bad, this dead guy here seemed to do well with it so there’s no reason why I the master of all can’t make use of it. Sod it I’m taking it. I find Dave and drive up to the greenhouse expecting a fight to get in.

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Huh it’s just an open gate, I’m getting the horrid feeling that this really is just an innocent greenhouse run by family farmers. I make my way in and up onto a rock overlooking the greenhouses and crops. My tension was eased when I saw a bunch of beefy men carrying large weapons, they certainly aren’t innocent family farmers. That must be the first time I’ve been relieved to see a load of armed men. I pick one at random and line up my shot, breath in and slowly pull the trigger. And miss. I had the crosshair right on the guys head how’d I miss? I don’t have time for that since all the armed men now all heading towards me, along with their bullets. I take a few down but have keep unjamming the gun, all the while hearing the gun shop owner laughing in my head. Yeah? Well the jokes on you I burned down your front yard. Not the time I’m being shot at here, wait the flare gun. With this I can set the crops on fire and the men, I am such a genius. I fire randomly into the crops and one or two rows slowly catch on fire. I pull out my RPG and fire it at the greenhouse, eat this you . . vegan . . hippy . . bastards. Damn I really should of put more thought into my puns. The rocket tears through the night and explodes on the greenhouse. When the smoke clears I can clearly see the damage I wrought, absolutely nothing. What the hell? Looks like I’ve got to get up close and personal.

I jump down, grab a nearby shotgun and head past the flaming crops towards the greenhouse. I get inside to hear someone announcing they saw me, damn. I duck for cover. He boasts. I creep along. He laughs. I stand up. He calls me a coward. I can’t see a damned soul. I actually have to actively seek this guy out, all while he hurls abuse at me. I find him cowering behind a crate and unload a shotgun shell into the irratating man. Michele rings to congratulate me and tell me she’ll start her approach. I did it? What did I do? I haven’t destroyed the greenhouses, what the he- oh crap the very toxic chemicals. She’s about to spray that all over me, why couldn’t she wait until I was clear? I dive into the adjacent greenhouse as god knows what is sprayed into the air. While I wait for the chemicals to clear and my cancer to settle in, I notice something in the corner near where I shot that annoying man.

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That’s it? That’s what I was supposed to do? Make a pump leaky. A plumber could fix that, hell I could fix that with ease. My whole epic mission has been to slightly inconvenience these people, I expected to be disappointed but this, I couldn’t expect this. Whatever cool it’s done, it’s over. I’m going to climb into Dave the disappointed, drive to my farmyard shack and sleep. Of course this is exactly when Michele phones to tell me she was shot down and needs rescuing. Now this I should of seen coming. I get into Dave and try and locate Michele and her sorry ass, which isn’t easy in the dark. I really wish Michele had the foresight to buy a flare gun like I did, it’d make this so much easier but no I’ve got to drive in a dense forest at night. After many crashes, repairs, and flips I finally find Michele’s crash site. I abandon Dave the defeated and make my way through the forest towards her, which is when my phone rings. It’s Michele, she’s fine and everythings cool I can leave now if I want. Super that’s just . . . breath just breath deeply. You know what that’s it I officially don’t care anymore.

I decide to walk back to my farmyard house, Dave is clearly going nowhere wedged in his ditch and I don’t have the patience to bump him out and repair him again. As I approach my wonderfully crappy shack and it’s crappy inhabitants I notice something I didn’t see before.

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I am the proud owner of a large crappy puddle complete with dead whatever the hell that thing was, and a canoe. Well that’s just great, when I wake up in the morning I can clear away that dead goat I killed and then spend the day in my canoe floating in my puddle next to the drowned wildlife. I head inside my crappy shack and set my alarm. I truly have earned these three hours of sleep, then I get up and do the whole thing again. Life as mercenary.

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