31
Jan
09

Worthington: Trials Of My Patience

Worthington the pacifist Buddhist of Arroyo has been chosen by the tribal elder to undergo a quest to save the village crops from drought. This requires him to search every inch of the western wastelands to find the magical briefcase GECK that will turn harsh dry rock into fresh fertile plains of green and thus save the village. Frankly it doesn’t matter, this is Worthington’s time to shine! Finally he can prove that violence isn’t always the answer, that peace and love can conquer anything in this post-apocalyptic present. He’ll transform this hectic wasteland into a true utopia or reach nirvana trying, but first he’s got to pass the temple of trials. Can’t be that hard, can it?

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Strange that I’d never noticed this giant creepy looking temple before, curse my visual impairment. Alright, remember Worthington positive thinking wields positive results, look it’s not that scary the giant face above the dark foreboding entrance is sort of smiling. This is a test so inside will be a lot of Krypton Factor-esque challenges, that’s not so bad. I mean they wouldn’t put me in any sort of real danger would they, that would be something an isolated tribe in a harsh wasteland would . . do . . . damn. Well I should be fine if I’m just extra careful of traps . . . unless . . .

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. . . unless they filled the place full of giant radioactive killer ants. Right the first challenge it to get past these two and through that door. They probably want me to kill them, but I am a man of peace! No matter what it is I shall not kill any living thing, even if it does want to eat my face. Unfortunately my pleas of peace and love fall on deaf ears and they kill Worthington. I reload, this time perhaps if I mimic their clicky language. Worthington ends up on the floor missing a leg desperately clicking at them for peace. OK no more Mr. Nice guy! If I cannot reason with these beasts then I’m going to have to resort to Plan: ‘sneak past them and hope to Buddha that they don’t notice me’.

Surprisingly I get past them relatively easily, hah in your face warmongering tribesmen, violence isn’t the only answer. I continue on to the door leading to the next section. Locked. This is no problem for Worthington and he defly picks the lock and strides through, part on of the trials done. This isn’t so bad, my positive thinking is being rewarded already.

I find an empty room with a corridor on the opposite side. I’ve gone too long without encountering something with the ability to kill me, that’s not like my tribe at all. I take a few steps and narrowly avoid a projectile to the head. Hm it seems that this room has certain raised plates that will set off an arrow. Pah! These are the so called ‘deadly’ traps? Anyone can avoid them just by merely using basic perception skills.

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Oh. Oh bum. I curse my visual impairment once again. Right time for Plan: ‘run past and hope I don’t get hit’. This plan is a rousing success, I blindly run through the room avoiding all traps, I truly have the luck of Buddha on my side. I stride off down the corridor only to be struck by a trap. OK message received Buddha I got over confident, won’t happen again I promise.

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Ah more killer giant radioactive ants once again block my way. If I can sneak past your brethren then I can sneak past you. I wait and wait for them to move just far enough away so I can sneak past, but they refuse me passage and even start forcing me backwards. I actually end up being circled by the damned things and trapped, just to clarify that for you dear reader, I was just outsmarted by an ant. Needless to say I was not pleased, I reload.

I wait, I die. I wait, I die. I wait, I die. I die, I die, I die! You know what screw ants. Screw their scuttling and their clicking. Screw their walking back and forth over the same spot. Screw their ability to lift heavy things. Why should I even bother trying to save these beasts, they are impending future peace. They are halting salvation, and for that they shall taste the fist blessed by Buddha!

Obviously in my pure rage against these things I forgot my stats, the stats that state that I can punch no harder than a gentle breeze. I die, and I die pathetically flailing my thin limbs in the air. I officially hate these ants, more than the tax man, I loathe them. I actually had to indulge in my relaxation technique, having a cup of tea while watching Poirot (his twiddly mustache eases my mind). I return to the computer a new more peaceful man, and actually manage to sneak past the ants and make it to the door, which won’t open. It’s at this moment I remember that to open this door I need a bomb. That bomb is in a pot. That pot is right by the ants. I groan.

I devised a new cunning plan, everytime I get luck enough to actually obtain the bomb I’m noticed, so I decided to use my combat turns to run for the exit. Unbelievably my plan actually works, I get to the door set the timer and make a run for it, I’m actually giddy with excitement. See you later suckers! I’m going on to bigger and better things. At which point Worthington explodes, apparently explosives aren’t my forte and it triggered prematurely,  I swear I can hear the ants chuckle. I would have a screenshot of that moment, but I was in complete shellshock as it happened. I tried again but continually got mobbed by the ants and never made it back to the door.

After 20 minutes of pure frustration I finally manage to sneak my way back and obtain the bomb. Now all I have to do is

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carefully and quietly

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explode the door without drawing attention.

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Success! I stride through the door with my head held high, and immediately find an arrow protruding from my neck. Yes sorry Buddha message received, pride is bad, you can stop lobbing arrows at me now please. I limp on to the next section.

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You know what I haven’t seen enough of? Giant killer radioactive ants, the kind that block the only exit. Oh look I’m in luck, there are two ants here guarding this door. Luckily I manage to easily sneak my way past, with all these sneaking I’m becoming a real ninja, only shirtless. And instead of dealing out hot death, I deal out hot baked cupcakes. The shirtless ninja of love.

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Ah I doubt he’s here to test my baking skills on this open fire. No matter I, the shirtless ninja, shall sneak past him. To a mere mortal like him it will be like I was never here.

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Ah hello there, um, wasn’t trying to sneak past you or anything. Ha ha where would you get a crazy idea like that? I was just inspecting this um wierd sculpture here, it’s an interesting piece of mordern art wouldn’t you agree. Oh you want to test my strength? Um not today thanks, I uh pulled a muscle back there and <cough> all this dust is playing havoc with my lungs. Any chance of a peaceful solution?

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Amazingly enough he agrees with me and lets me pass without fighting. He bids me goodbye and runs off down the hall, where all those killer ants I failed to kill still are. I decide to leave through the door sharpish. With that the trials are done, Worthington has proved himself worthy enough to obtain a blue jumpsuit.

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Worthington can now actually begin his quest. Tune in next time for Worthington: The long road to Klamath.

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